Dear Employee:

As you know, the last several years have been difficult here at INSERT COMPANY NAME. We lost a ton of money when the dot com bubble exploded. Then 9/11 came along and forced our overhead costs upward into the stratosphere, so we had to move you from your small office facing the alley into a windowless cubicle in the basement. Health care costs are spiraling upward, requiring us to eliminate health benefits for your spouse and 3 small children, effective last week. Gas prices are outrageous so we will not be able to keep our promise to subsidize your public transportation and parking costs.

Through it all of course, we have somehow continued to give our top level executives hundreds of thousands of dollars in bonuses, leased cars and country club dues payments. We wish we could share the bounty with you, but even if we did, you wouldn't have time to enjoy it. After all, you do have a 2-hour commute and there's that homework your kids need help with when you get home. Yes, and you are helping your aging parents with household chores, keeping track of prescriptions and that mountain of Medicaid paperwork. You'd be far too busy to spend the extra money so we'll just keep it for ourselves.

Alas, we finally had to admit that despite our best efforts, the bottom line is that we are simply unable (or unwilling depending on which of us is asked) to provide you with a fair return for your hard work. So at our last board meeting, we voted to give you the best piece of advice we can offer: Start your own business. Here are some reality checks to help get you started.

1. We can fire you at any time without giving a reason and you have no recourse.
2. Not only can we fire you whenever we feel like it, but we can fire your colleagues and then make you do their work without a corresponding compensation boost.
3. We are eliminating our pension plan, which by the way is already grossly under funded, because our former employees are living so long.
4. We are no longer able to pay your spouse's and children's health insurance premiums, and you have to pay 50% of yours.
5. We are not required to give you a pay increase, even when you deserve one.
6. If your daughter gets ill after you've used up your vacation leave, the hours spent for your trips to the hospital are on your dime.
7. We can't match your 401K contributions anymore.
8. By law, our first obligation is to our shareholders, not you, so don't be insulted if we make more cuts so that people with more money than you can get a better return on their investment in our stock.
9. If you're lucky, you might get a promotion which of course would mean more money. Bear in mind, however, that the more money we give you, the more of your life you must give to us. So if you are lucky enough to be promoted, don't make any weekend plans.
10. It's our sand box. You just play in it.

We hope that this letter helps you to better understand the nature of our relationship. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to break all the rules, build your own corporate ladder and create the life you love.

And you know where to go for tips on how to do that.

Sincerely,

Executive Board
INSERT COMPANY NAME